“I Felt Like a Part of My Soul Was Gone” – Hollyoaks’ Kirsty-Leigh Porter Opens Up About Overcoming Devastating Loss.

When I first held my little daughter, Nala Rai, in my arms, a mix of relief, happiness, and inescapable sadness washed over me. She was my rainbow baby, born two years after I lost my first daughter, Penny-Leigh.

I still remember that fateful day in December 2018. I had gone to the hospital alone for a check-up after noticing reduced movements. When the doctors performed an ultrasound, they couldn’t find a heartbeat. I could barely comprehend their words as they told me that my much-loved, long-awaited baby was gone. My world collapsed before my eyes.

Giving birth to Penny-Leigh was the most painful moment of my life. I held her, spoke to her, and loved her with everything I had. I took prints of her tiny hands and feet, treasuring them as my only keepsake. But then, Paul—Penny-Leigh’s father—and I had to face a cruel reality: preparing our baby girl’s funeral. I had never known pain like that before.

I am no longer the Kirsty-Leigh I was before. After that day, I felt like my soul had left me. Everything turned upside down, and I sank into loneliness.

However, it was the kindness of strangers on social media that helped me find some light in the darkness. I remember the messages from people who had been through the same loss. I read every single one, feeling the comfort and strength they offered. That’s what helped me stand back up. I realized I wasn’t alone. There was a community of mothers who shared the same grief—a group none of us ever wanted to be a part of, yet we became each other’s greatest support.

One day, I woke up and thought, “I can’t keep living like this. I have to do something.” I wanted to make Penny-Leigh proud. I started writing—pouring all my thoughts onto paper. It helped ease my pain. And above all, I always felt Penny-Leigh watching over me. I told myself, “I have the most wonderful guardian angel in the world. I will wake up every morning and live well for her.”

Then Nala Rai arrived like a miracle. Holding her in my arms, I felt like I could finally breathe again after so long. But with happiness came overwhelming guilt. Why was Nala here while Penny-Leigh wasn’t? Why couldn’t they both grow up together? These were questions I would never have answers to.

I named her Nala Rai to honor her sister. “Nala” means a fresh breath of air, water, earth, and new life. “Rai” is short for “Rainbow” because she is my rainbow baby. One day, I will tell her about her older sister. I don’t know how or when, but she will always know she has a sister who loves and watches over her.

Now, I am sharing my story on-screen through Leela in Hollyoaks. When I read the script, I knew I had to do this. It’s not just Leela’s story—it’s my story. It’s the story of every mother who has lost a child. I want them to know they are not alone. I want to raise awareness about the importance of monitoring fetal movements, of having conversations about loss and hope.

This pain will never go away, but I have learned to live with it. I always say, “I have one child in heaven and one on earth, but both will forever be in my heart.”